The Dream

When I discovered that other families had totally different beliefs and what my mother believed, I was considered "strange" or "daughter of the devil". Isn't that a horrible thing to call a child? I was ashamed of the Rosicrucian way and never mentioned it to anyone again in my childhood. It was my deep secret. I was taught never to enter my mothers room if the door was closed and no one else was home because she was usually out of body and lord knows where. There is so much more to this but what I really want to talk about was my dream.

Lately I have been feeling as if I have stopped moving forward, and if you are not moving forward, you are moving backward. I allowed some time to experience this, about 5 month figuring I needed a break from my recent 7 years of study. I was going to experience a break. A break can turn into a lifestyle if allowed. I was not worried about this because daily I stayed in contact with who I was, allowing outside forces to distract me, yet not consume me. For the past, I would say 2 months I have returned to studying a subject I have been doing as a sort of hobby, a study I do when I am not studying my Hebrew and Greek. As I have been spending my spare time in this area, an abundance of knowledge has been easily available. I guess when you have a real zeal for something, it comes easy.Recently there have been certain manifestations that have occurred, I believe due to this study. I finely decided to discuss this subject (which I do not want to get into now, because I just want to keep on the dream subject) with my mother. Not knowing how she would react due to the detail and geometries involved in it I have avoided discussing it with her. You see she is very ill and it is hard for someone in a lot of pain to concentrate and more than likely be able to digest it.

Let me first give a sort of image of my mom. She was the epitome of the Alpha Female. Extremely intelligent,Very, very attractive. She held a very high position in the government for 28 years in a position very few women held at the time. She also worked in the music business for Henry Mancini. I grew up in a recording studio. It was not fun as a child. I hardly knew my mother. She did not consider children enjoyable company, and openly admits she is not the mother type. The advantage of this is I raised myself and it taught me to be independent and pretty much fearless. I too am an Alpha Female, but in a different way then mom. Mom should not be sick with all the knowledge she has, but something happen (nothing to do with illness, and don't want to get side tracked) and she lost some sort of motivation and inspiration and probably gained a bitterness due to this which led to illness. She is now on oxygen 24 hours a day and trapped by the leash of a plastic hose and what is just reflex to us, "breathing" she has to struggle for.

One night approx., a week ago I began a conversation leading into my long time interest I only indulged into once in a while, but recently have become more and more "obsessed" with? I guess you could say that, not to an unhealthy level though. This theory I have been working on is one I have yet to hear of anyone else doing, yet I KNOW are. My mother immediately knew what I was talking about. Aunt Janet was in the room too, but was tossed WAY out there in left field. Mom was excited and I saw that look in her eye that was good, healthy, and shining. My mother has always been really good in mathematics, unlike me, who has a different type of knowledge in mathematics, rarely used today. My formal education in mathematics growing up sucked because I had lazy, nervous teachers. Anyway, my mother and I talked for hours until she was worn out. Brain fried. She was like a double witness to what I was working on. I needed that. She saw my formula and agreed it would work. She then commented how she wished she could join me in this project. I told her she owed it to me to do so. It was not too late, it is never too late, I blamed her for my DNA :-) and told her that if I were in her condition, which I know is hard to do, but I would be working harder at attaining the higher consciousness more than ever. You see, I believe my mother can be healed, if she would just allow it to happen. When I say the word "believe" this word to me means "I know". Since talking to her about this theory I have, she has been seeing very unusual manifestations which are without question tied to our discussion.

THE DISTRACTION

As it would be, Sunday I decided I was going to spend the entire day working on this web site which has been done in such a rush that nothing works right yet. I especially wanted to get "Open Ended Minds" operational and with some information on it. I think anyone who into computers and the Internet will know what I mean when I say I instead got trapped into setting up a friends new (Used) computer and get it Internet ready and on line. (Thank god for external hard drives to drag around) It's my fault usually because if I have a friend who does not have a computer I talk them into having one ( I can't imagine life without one) I could live in a cave and be happy, as long as I had power to run my computer. So they usually end up getting one with absolutely no training in using it, and me the one who talks them into it is the one who also offers to help them set it up. I am bitching huh? Well, I don't mind doing this for anyone, I encourage all to be on line, but it was MY DAY for crying out loud. So I go over there and hear "what a great deal" they got, I turn it on and find out why. You all know what I mean. allocation errors, enough memory to drive you up the wall, or find a newspaper to read, conflicts in device drivers, port conflicts, so on and so on, spending a few hours in systems. When all I could think about was working on my web site, and spending a few hours on this study I am doing. Well, I finish up finely ( you know they have no idea how frustrated you are by then, they have been on the couch watching TV) while you have been sitting in a in an area with no close phone plug, running out to the store to buy a 25 foot phone cord, good grief. So I am on my way home 3:00am by now, knowing the web site will have to wait, but I really wanted to at least put an hour into the study. Get home, have my paper, ruler, pencils, on my lap, in bed, ( I like to put it on paper first) never got one word or measurement on the paper.